Goodbye My Lover
by jdmfanfiction
Summary: Negan knows what's to come, but he can't seem to come to terms with it. Lucille was the woman he loved, despite everything he had done. (Inspired by "Here's Negan").


**Author's Note:** Okay, this one-shot broke my heart. The sentences in italics are flashbacks. The ones that are italicized _and_ centered are song lyrics. I suggest listening to it while reading this one-shot. It'll give you all the feels!

 **Song:** _Goodbye My Lover_ by James Blunt

* * *

Endless appointments of chemotherapy and yet, Lucille was only getting worse and worse by the second. These treatments were supposed to help her, not make her situation worse. Her once black locks had fallen from the roots, but she covered her bald head with a head wrap. Her once lively blue eyes were now empty and weak.

Negan still couldn't believe that this was happening. Was this karma for cheating on her? Was this life's way of telling him "fuck you"? He was a sorry excuse for a man and he knew it every time he looked at Lucille. She was a constant reminder of all that he had done to her.

She didn't deserve this and he **never** deserved _her_.

As Negan sat at her bedside, holding her hand into his own, he couldn't help the memories that seemed to always come at times like these. She would be sleeping after a painful treatment of chemotherapy and Negan did the best he could to make it better, to make it up to her.

 _Negan had spotted her from a distance. She was unlike anything he had seen before. No woman had ever captivated him in a way that this stranger had. He was interested and not only for a one-night stand (like he was used to). The way she smiled lit up the room. The way her hair blew in the wind made his world stand still. And her eyes… It reminded him so much of the ocean and even at a distance, he was finding himself lost in her sheer beauty._

 _He didn't even have time to look over the rest of her features, but when he did, he knew he had struck gold. She was simply refilling her coffee in the teacher's lounge, talking to one of their co-workers but Negan couldn't help but be fascinated by her._

 _For once in his life, Negan was nervous to talk to her. It was stupid, really. Negan had always exuded confidence, but when it came to her, he felt as anxious as a teenage boy getting ready to ask his crush to a dance. He couldn't believe that this woman was making him_ _ **nervous**_ _._

Negan smiled at the distant memory, bringing a hand to gently touch her cheek. She didn't move, she simply remained still. She lied about the pain she had been in, possibly because she didn't want him to worry, but Negan saw right through it. The pain was clear in her eyes and how the tears would leak at the corners whenever she moved a slight bit.

He wished he could take the pain away… He wished he could take everything he had done wrong to her and start over…

But life didn't work that way and if Negan was anything in this world, it was practical.

Negan spent many nights slumped over her bed, his back aching from the chair he had gotten used to sitting in. He couldn't seem to let her go. He needed to feel her touch, the warmth of her hand to remind him that she was still here, that she was still _fighting_.

He lifted his hand to gently remove the head wrap, setting it aside. She looked sicklier this way. Negan wanted to cry, but he knew that this was what he deserved. He often wished that it was him on that hospital bed, suffering in endless amounts of pain. It didn't make sense that Lucille was still hurting while he was here, sitting at her bed with a clean bill of health.

Negan noticed her eyes fluttering open and he couldn't help but get lost in the iciness of her blue eyes just as he had when he first talked to her. It was in this moment that he remembered why he loved her so much.

"Negan…" Her voice was quiet, raspy. Negan grabbed a nearby bottle of water, placing a straw inside so it would be easier to drink from. Lucille could barely sit up, but she did her best. Negan had to smile at that. Even in pain, she willed herself to sit up for a drink of water.

"I'm here, baby… I'm here, Lucille."

He bit his lower lip, setting the water aside to gently swipe at the fallen tear.

"It hurts… So much," she whispered.

Negan shut his eyes at those words. In the recent weeks, she had been voicing the pain she had been experiencing. He only assumed that the end was near, but he didn't want to believe it. _His_ Lucille was a fighter and she wouldn't quit fighting until it took her last breath.

Negan didn't know how to respond. He was never one to give advice or even comfort someone in need, but this was his _wife_. This was _his_ Lucille.

"Hey, you remember when I first talked to you? I was shaking like a fucking teenage boy." Negan always found that talking about their happy memories somehow took Lucille's mind off of the pain, off of the reality of her cancer.

She gave a small smile. It was a simple upturn of the corner of her lips, but Negan definitely took notice. It had been so long since he was able to make her smile.

"I remember…" Lucille responded, gently tightening her hold on Negan's hand. Her grip was weak, but it didn't go unnoticed.

 _After a week of preparing himself to talk to her, Negan entered the teacher's lounge. And there she was. Standing at the coffee machine, waiting for her travel mug to be refilled. They had given each other lingering glances, but they hadn't been able to talk to one another just yet._

 _But today was the day. It was going to happen._

 _Negan approached her. For once, she was alone. He took notice of her perfect height. She was tall enough that she would fit right underneath his chin and he wondered what else was perfect about her._

 _"Hello," Lucille said, smiling up at him._

 _Negan cleared his throat. Fuck. Where had all his confidence gone? His hands were shaking, sweat was building at his brow, and he couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her._

 _"I'm Negan."_

 _Lucille giggled. Negan couldn't help but smile at the sound that escaped her lips. It was something he wanted to hear more of._

 _"I'm Lucille. I hear you're a force to be reckoned with around here," she smiled, "with your colorful vocabulary. A lot of the teachers talk."_

 _Negan smirked. It was true. Many of his co-workers, including his boss, hated the way he talked, but he didn't care. After a while, they got used to his vulgarity._

 _"Well, if my reputation fucking precedes me, I'd say you're right, doll."_

 _"Doll?" Lucille narrowed her eyes, the smile falling from her lips._

 _Fuck. Negan didn't mean for the pet name to slip; it had just been something he was used to calling all women._

 _But Lucille wasn't just any woman. She was special in some sort of way and Negan was determined to find out._

 _"Sorry. It doesn't mean anything. It's kind of like – like two teenage boys calling each other bros or whatever the fuck the slang is nowadays. I didn't mean anything by it is what I'm trying to say," Negan explained. This was odd. He never had trouble with his words. He was rambling and usually everything he said came out smooth and confident._

 _"That's okay. Though, I would watch your mouth around the kids here. Not only do the teachers talk, but so do the students." Lucille took her mug from the machine, adding two packets of sugar to add to the dark liquid._

 _Negan watched her carefully. It finally sunk in. She was the counselor for this school and he couldn't imagine what kinds of stories she had heard about him._

 _"No harm, no foul."_

 _Lucille smiled, "If that's what you think, Negan."_

 _She couldn't get over the dimples at his cheeks whenever he smiled, his eyes that seemed to change from green to hazel in different lighting. Lucille also couldn't get over his slicked back hair and even in gym attire, he looked handsome._

 _Negan followed her to a nearby table. He didn't know why he felt the need to be in her presence and it wasn't just her beauty._

 _The rest of the lunch period, the two talked about anything and everything. Negan was a sports fanatic which made sense for his profession. Lucille loved helping people, but she also knew when to fight back and take a stand._

 _"Wanna grab dinner tomorrow night?" Negan asked abruptly. Just like clockwork, his hands shook nervously, awaiting her answer._

 _Lucille broke out into a grin, "I'd like that."_

Negan had moved to lie next to her, holding her against his chest. It had been so long that he couldn't remember the last time he just _held_ her. It brought back memories of the first time they made love, the first night of living together, the many nights he spent with her in his arms…

He didn't know what went wrong in their relationship, but he could take a wild guess and it was because of _him_. Negan always wanted more than what he had. He could never settle for just one thing.

"Our first date was amazing though," Lucille said. She rested her head against his chest and she had to shut her eyes. She remembered the many nights where she would fall asleep in his arms, resting her head against him and listening to his heart beat.

Negan glanced down at her, kissing the crown of her head.

"Even if the waiter fucked up our order?" Negan asked.

Lucille giggled and Negan felt a glimmer of hope at the sound of her laughter. It had been so long since he made her laugh.

"He wouldn't have messed up if you weren't so difficult," Lucille pulled back only to look up at him.

She knew her battle with cancer was a losing battle, but staring into his eyes in this moment scared her for what was to come. She didn't want to live a life without being in his arms, without getting lost into his eyes, without seeing him grin whenever he knew he was right… Despite their fallout in their relationship, Lucille still loved him and she would continue doing so until after she was gone.

"It isn't my fault that I don't like onions or fucking mustard. I still think it was a simple order," Negan rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help the smile that lined his lips.

And for the first time in a _long_ time, Negan leaned in to press his lips against hers. It was just as he remembered. Soft, smooth, and welcoming. He had forgot how addicting her lips were and he just hoped that she would get through this so he could spend every day of his life making it up to her.

They pulled back after a while, but her tears didn't go unnoticed. Negan bit his lower lip, bringing his hand to cup her cheek gently. He wiped her tears away, but it was no use. They were flowing down at a rapid rate and so, he settled for holding her to him. Negan allowed her to cry against his chest, staining his clothes with her tears.

Though, he gently pulled her back to look into her eyes. Still, they were just as sparkly as they were when they first met.

"I still think I'm a good fucking kisser. I don't know why you're cryin'," he teased.

Lucille smiled.

"You never know when to quit, huh?" She responded.

"With you? _Never_."

She brought her frail hand up to his cheek, letting her thumb brush against the grown-in facial hair. Negan turned his head gently, kissing the inside of her wrist before he decided to lean into her touch.

"I love you, Negan," she whispered.

Negan felt his heart skip a beat. He knew he didn't deserve her, didn't deserve her love, but he was just glad that those words escaped her lips.

"I love you too, Lucille. I fucking love you too."

They spent the rest of the night reminiscing about their relationship. However, the two somehow managed to fall asleep and for once, they both felt relaxed. They had found their way back to one another.

The next morning, Lucille awoke with excruciating pain, but she pushed it back at the sight of Negan asleep. His arms had been around her the entire night, keeping her safe like she was used to when they were happy in their relationship.

She knew it was time. She knew it was coming.

Lucille fell back asleep, hoping the pain would disappear.

Negan awoke at the sound of banging against the door. He looked down to see Lucille still asleep, so he placed a light kiss onto her forehead before climbing out. He glanced out the window to see the rioting in the parking lot and about a dozen people dragging their feet with emotionless expressions.

What the fuck was going on?

Negan opened the door to see people running back and forth in chaos, hearing a few screams to run, to get out of here. His heart raced. He couldn't leave Lucille and she was in no shape to leave either.

"Hey! Hey, kid! What the fuck is going on?!" Negan yelled.

"You have to get out of here! They're going to come for you! Get out!"

"But my wife –"

Negan glanced down at the end of the hall when another human being sunk its teeth to a man's shoulder, beginning to eat the person's flesh. He shook his head, shutting the door and grabbing the chair to set underneath the doorknob. No one would be coming in.

When he turned to Lucille, he noticed her staring at him with eyes weaker than they were last night.

"Negan… What's going on?"

He sat at the edge of her bed, bringing his hand to cup her cheek. "It's nothing, sweetheart. It's nothing…"

Lucille sighed, she didn't have the strength to argue.

Negan stared at her and realization hit. He _knew_ , but he wasn't ready. He didn't think he would ever be ready to let go of the one woman that changed his life.

 _You touched my heart you touched my soul._

 _You changed my life and all my goals._

 _And love is blind and that I knew when,_

 _My heart was blinded by you._

 _I've kissed your lips and held your hand._

 _Shared your dreams and shared your bed._

 _I know you well, I know your smell._

 _I've been addicted to you._

Negan stared into her eyes and for the first time, he let the tears finally surface. His hazel green-like eyes glaze over as he looked at her. He didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to say anything. They both knew.

His mind raced and he didn't know if he could live a life without her. A life without Lucille was a world he didn't want to live in. No one would call him out on things that were childish, no one would tease him about his favorite sports team losing a big game, no one would fit perfectly against his chest, no one would love him the way she had…

Negan didn't want to let go.

 _And as you move on, remember me,_

 _Remember us and all we used to be_

 _I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile._

 _I've watched you sleeping for a while._

 _I'd be the father of your child._

 _I'd spend a lifetime with you._

 _I know your fears and you know mine._

 _We've had our doubts but now we're fine,_

 _And I love you, I swear that's true._

 _I cannot live without you._

Lucille kept fighting, trying to prolong her impending fate. She didn't want to close her eyes, afraid that if she did, she would never be able to open them to see the man she had fallen in love with all those years ago.

They still had so much more to do. They were supposed to have a family together, even joking that if they had a boy, Negan would call him "Little Negan" and show him the ways of his love for sports. It even went as far as Negan becoming protective at the thought of having a little girl, a "Little Lucille."

Lucille kept her eyes trained on him, despite the amount of pain she was in. She could hear the sounds of chaos happening outside of their room, but right now, what mattered was the man who was staring into her eyes.

She didn't want to leave him.

"Negan…" Lucille whispered, bringing a hand to gently wipe the tear away from his cheek.

"Don't… Please, fucking don't go…" Negan's hand on her cheek shook slightly.

"I love you… And I forgive you, okay? We've – We've had our moments, but I never stopped loving you, and I never will." Lucille felt her own tears streak down her cheeks. When Negan placed a light kiss onto her lips, she sighed contentedly.

It was coming. It was near.

"I'm so sorry, Lucille… I should have been there for you. I should have been by your side. We could have – You could have beaten this if I hadn't been so stupid, if I hadn't been screwing around with –"

Lucille shook her head, "I forgive you. You'll always be _mine_ , Negan."

Negan felt a lump form at his throat as he stared at her. She was slipping away in his grasp and there was nothing he could do.

"I love you, Lucille… Please… Don't go…"

"I'll always be here, Negan…"

Slowly, her eyes had fallen shut and the rise of her chest ceased. Negan finally felt the tears fall from his eyes, allowing himself to let go.

"Lucille…" He pleaded.

No answer.

Negan stood up, hearing a crash from outside of the door. His heart was with Lucille, so when he looked out the window, the old Negan was gone. He glanced at her lifeless body, feeling tears begin to pool at his eyes but he simply blinked it back.

Suddenly, Negan heard movement coming from the bed. He looked over at her and noticed that her once blue eyes had turned into gray. It wasn't the same woman, but she was moving… It couldn't be.

"Lucille…?"

The only answer he received was a quiet, monotone moan. This wasn't her. It couldn't be her. Lucille slowly fell over the bed and Negan's first instinct was to help her up, but he remembered what he saw outside the halls.

It had finally sunken in that this wasn't _his_ Lucille.

Negan stared at her, biting his lower lip. He wanted nothing more than to just hold her in his arms, allow her to rest her cheek against his chest and keep his arms around her to protect her from the bad in this world.

"I'm so sorry, Lucille… I'm so sorry…" Negan stared at her one last time before leaving the room, running to help the kid in need. His heart ached for the woman in the other room and all his pent-up frustrations were taken out on two of the undead.

"T–Thank you…" The kid said.

"My wife… She's become one of these things. I can't –"

The kid nodded in understanding. "I can do it, sir."

Negan slumped to the floor, leaning back against the wall as he heard the kid step into his wife's room. He could hear sounds of struggling, but his hearing zeroed in on the monotonous moans. He couldn't help but wish to hear her laugh instead, to see her lively eyes instead of the emotionless ones he saw.

Once the moaning ceased, Negan slung his head forward, staring down at the tiled floor. He shut his eyes, tears threatening to spill out.

 _Goodbye my lover._

 _Goodbye my friend._

 _You have been the one._

 _You have been the one for me._

Lucille was gone.


End file.
